Hope

hope⋅less  /ˈhoʊplɪs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hohp-lis] –adjective
1.providing no hope; beyond optimism or hope; desperate: a hopeless case of cancer.
2.without hope; despairing: hopeless grief.
3.impossible to accomplish, solve, resolve, etc.: Balancing my budget is hopeless.
4.not able to learn or act, perform, or work as desired; inadequate for the purpose: As a bridge player, you're hopeless.

While I was in the depths of depression, perhaps the scariest part of it was that I had no hope. Joy, happiness, love... all these emotions are vital and important but at least if you don't have them, and still have hope, you can get through the day. In my depression, I had no hope that I would ever have these things again - indeed, I had no inkling at all that things would change. It was a hard, heavy, very upsetting path to be on.

Hence I am so so so so over the moon and happy to say that things now are looking up. They're far from ideal but the turning point for me was that I now have HOPE again - Just an inkling of possibility that things might be different.

I had a mini melt-down this morning, just thinking about packing and moving and holding down a full time job and a part time yoga job all at the same time, all while having a cold.. but then spoke to a wise woman who said "just do it". Ha! That is so true! There is really no option but to just put my head down, and power through this upcoming week.

So here's to HOPE, to packing, to tissues and to YOU. Just do it!
x

photo credit: super hero journal

Smoking Chair

I'm at home sick again today. Still got the fever thing, the belly thing, the dizzy thing. Dr said it's a bacterial thing. All these things... but I'm getting lots of sleep, which is good. I really can't even bring myself to watch tv - despite getting out the entire season 2 of Six Feet Under.

I've not really eaten much today either, just some toast for breakky. So I'm a bit peckish - but the thought of cooking, and actually - the thought of eating, doesn't really sit too well with me. I was in shock when I dropped by my bday gathering last night (delivered my cupcakes!) and couldn't even be tempted to nibble on all the party food. That is how I know I'm really sick - me, knocking back sugar?? LOL.

Spending some time now reading some personal finance blogs to help me stay on the track to get out of debt. Feeling good that I've consolidated the debt and now it's just the one easy payment to knock off each month. That feels SO GOOD - seriously, I started getting anxiety attacks thinking of all the debt I was in. So future - here I come! I actually am excited about pay day now, seeing those debt figures come down (see the funky debt counters I've added to the blog too?).

One way I could surely save some dosh is to stop eating out, but I guess it's one battle at a time. At least I'm eating dinner most nights now - which was a very different story 6 months ago. So baby steps. And speaking of 6 months, come this Friday it'll be 6 months I've not drunk, god willing. I'm so happy and more than that, I'm nowhere near as depressed as I've been prior to now. So no drinking, I'll stay with it.

I was feeling a bit of a pity party attack this afternoon, I mean seriously - it's day 4 today that I'm home sick and I just want someone to come and take care of me ; ) But I'm now sitting by the back door in our elegantly titled 'smoking chair', and feeling that breeze come through and watching the sun over the back yard, well, the pity party is moving on. If I have to be sick, I suppose it couldn't be in nicer surroundings : )

Today I'm grateful for:
* I have a job
* I have a beautiful home
* my family
* books books books
* study retreats coming up
* the net!

Run Shiny, Run!

I've been in touch with my running coach and am looking forward to start running again in the new year. Greta is so lovely - that even a complete non-runner such as myself feels more than comfortable signing up for sessions with her!

In 2009 I'm looking for a race to sign up for (5k) and I am looking forward to making my appearance at the City to Surf - my first appearance. I mean, as a Sydney-sider, I have to do this, right? (About time, I hear you!)

So the beloved Couch to 5k training program has been pulled out (another link here), and so have the joggers. It has been a pretty intense last couple of months for me... hmmm, yes I'd even say life changing. Health concerns and mental issues are all under control (well at least I can see where I'm heading now) which is really nice. Yes - really nice! Anyone who has read of my battles with depression and such knows that 'nice' is indeed pretty damn fine!

I've been off the alcohol for a couple of months which I'm sure is the biggest factor in all of this, but it's all the 'one percenters as well' - I've had so much acupuncture in the last few months. I've had a stack of neurofeedback. I've had massages and reiki.

And I'm feeling that there is hope. Yeh!

So c25k training starts this week and I'm looking forward to it : )
Anyone else had any joy with that particular program?

x shiny

Slowing Down is not a waste of time

If a lumberjack stops work to sharpen his axe, it is not a waste of time.

No one would say the lumberjack is lazy - in fact, most would praise his work ethic in stopping, taking care of his tools and going back to work more efficiently.

So why is it that in yoga there are so many of us who will not stop when we really need to rest? When a pose is beyond our capabilities that day - as often happens in yoga, things change day to day - why is it that we'll struggle through and PUSH ourselves into a pose we think we should be in?

This idea isn't specific just to yoga either - but in all aspects of life, both on and off the mat. Someone mentioned this lumberjack reference to me today and it really has stuck with me. I hope it makes you think too!

Unmanageability

As I grabbed my gear and walked out of the office at lunch today, I said to a work mate, “If anyone needs me I’m on my lunch break, I’m going to a yoga class before I kill someone.”

It’s been that kind of a week. Actually, make that couple of weeks.

I thought I was doing ok and on certain times of day I am. Then it goes pearshaped. The term ‘unmanageable’ is springing to mind.
I thought I’d lost $600.
I thought I’d lost my blackberry.
I have lost cd’s I was meaning to give to a friend.
I have lost some important insurance papers & certificates.
I have also just found my appetite again after a few weeks of insane macca’s only cravings. I just couldn’t decide what to eat over the past couple of weeks so instead I just ate nothing. Or I’d go shopping, purchase food to whip up 3 different meals because I couldn’t decide which I felt like, and then get home, still not be able to decide which one to go with, so then I just wouldn’t have anything.

It’s like this constant fight going on in my head and it’s bloody tiring! But it will pass.
Hope things are much lighter in YR corner of the world : )

the power of a good cry

Last night I heard a friend talking about how he has just been crying so much lately - his dog died, his relationship with his partner ended, and lots of personal issues are cropping up.

He has balled on his own, he's balled on the phone, he's balled to his friends, he's balled in the car, he's balled to a therapist. It's been a festival of balling. But in that sorrow, he's found such release.

He talked about how he could never cry - on his own or in front of people; That he'd just hold it all up inside. But that in allowing himself to cry now, he's feeling as though he is processing his feelings - he's feeling his feelings.

I would say that most of us probably don't sit with our feelings all too often. I can confidently say that regarding myself, I am a master of not feeling - either by drinking too much (things are bad, I'll drink. Things are good, I'll have a drink. Things are whatever, I'll have a drink....), or by being constantly busy (full time job, plus part time work, for the last 10 years!!). But over the last couple of months with all my health issues and personal work (therapy) I am really starting to feel and man, is it hard! No wonder I don't like feeling!

The tears that have been released from my body are INSANE - I think between my pal above and I, we could have fixed the drought problem Australia is facing ;) But after the initial shock of allowing yourself to let go and just try to get in touch with your emotions (happiness, guilt, anger, rage, sadness, depression...), it's such a glorious feeling - to be ALIVE.

So yeh.. have been working really hard lately on getting my health up to scratch (vitamins have not been absorbed in my body for a LONG time) with some medications, some injections, many doctors visits, many therapists visits, and also lots of SLEEP. I have not stepped on a yoga mat for a couple of weeks, but I've done loads of meditation instead. That in itself is a big thing - just stopping : ) And today I actually feel like I could go and practice yoga again, in fact, I'm itching for it. That is a god sign!

I've also given up on the alcohol, so that in combination with actually living - wow, things are full on for me but also really exciting.

And for that, I am grateful : )

Meditation

When I did my teacher training I got the hang of meditation. We did it so often that I really came to enjoy the practice - and found it not at all impossible to still my mind. Practice really did make (near) perfect!

But then life came along, and I stopped meditating so much.. and it's something I've been meaning to rectify.

I did go along to a phenomenal Yin Yoga & Meditation class a couple of weeks ago but since then that timing hasn't worked out for me. I'm definitely going to go back but in the meantime I've needed something to get me going.

Over the last couple of weeks I've started having panic attacks again - I used to get them years ago so went on a specific med that helped with anxiety as well as my depression.. and clearly they've stopped working! All in all I am going through a lot of personal stuff right now and with the rise of the panic attacks, what better time to find some peace wherever I can?

So this weekend I got up on a sunny Sunday and set my alarm for 5 minutes.. slow and small to start with. And WOW - what a pleasant surprise to find that it wasn't all that difficult after all? I did it again on Sunday night, and tonight - Monday, I did 10 minutes and nearly jumped out of my skin when my alarm went off (I really need to find a nice soothing alarm sound!)

I had to laugh when I heard a meditation teacher say once that people perceive the practice of meditation to be so hard, that they'll spend hours reading books on it and studying it.. all this time thinking about it - but no time practicing it. It's so true! So I'm hoping to continue with the practice - and fill my life with some much needed peace, in body and mind.

Need some help yourself? There are so many different types of meditation - from guided podcasts on the net, to classes in your area, to simply sitting down and focussing on a candle flame, or counting yr breath. I've learnt a few techniques in acupuncture that have been helpful to me - why not read up on some other ideas here, here or here?

xx

Today has been a long day

So I heard someone talking the other day and one thing they said in particular has completely stuck with me -> "I've gotten through the past 10 years with a self help book in one hand, and a glass of wine in the other"

After I stopped with the belly laughing I really thought about this and wonder why it is that I'm always LOOKING - looking for the answer, looking for something to fill that void I can't help but feel, lookingfor whatever it is that will make me feel ok about being me.

I have read so many self-help books and done so much bloody therapy that I should be an enlightened being by now but still, I'm so so far off. Soooo far off.

But that said, I'm still going ok. I'm working through things and each day I find out more and more about myself. Yet I do wonder if one ever stops 'looking'? I mean, do YOU have this thing about continual searching? I have no idea.. is it just me?

*Sigh*

Listen to this: Adem - Loro (Pinback Cover)

How to avoid being grumpy

With thanks to Hip Tranquil Chick:

- drink oodles of water

- read a good book

- don fabulous sunglasses

- wear a flowy dress

- enjoy the complimentary hot yoga

- apply waterproof mascara

- surround yourself with people who make you laugh

- go for a swim

- stay locked up in AC (or the heater!) with a yummy book (for an even better dose of tranquility, add in a yummy cupcake)

- don open-toe shoes and get a pedi

- drink more water

- eat a yummy spinach salad with strawberries

- focus on all you have to be grateful for

- call someone you love and thank them for being in your life

- meditate on a comfy cushion

- write it out in your journal

Rearview Mirror

"we form our own destiny by our thoughts and beliefs" emmet fox

We all have this great big vision of where we want our life to be - of how we want our destiny to pan out. Me, through the young eyes of a 12 year old, thought I'd be a writer with a well established career, that I would own my own house with my husband and kids.

For better or worse our visions don't always come to fruition, but it's interesting to sometimes look back on the path we created for ourselves, figure out if we chose the right fork in the road, and then if not..... do everything in our power to get back on the right track.

What is the right track? Of course it will change and ebb and flow just as the seasons do at different stages in our life. But sometimes you just 'know' that where you are, right now, is not right. It just feels a bit murky.

No matter how far you travel down a wrong road, you can always turn back. Always.

So here we go. I'm trying to leave behind some of my past (while always knowing that it has shaped me into who i am today), and turn down a different road. It's scary but also exciting.

Ok.. nah, I'm scared shitless. Haha. I know my battles and even though they make things uncomfortable, I have had them for years. They are almost like a security blanket. But the time has come to let go and jump.

It's kind of freaky really.. to get to a point and realise you are completely f*&ked and then have no idea how to go about fixing it. So i'm picking up books and podcasts and I'm going back to being a student (i always was ok at that).. and I'll follow the plan laid out in the book and the words from my friends. It's really all i can do right now and honestly, it's not too bad a beginning.

x

Good things can come from a GOOD WINTER

(i adore keri smith)

It’s funny – I used to wear glasses years ago and then after a while my eyes were ok without them. But as I’ve been doing more and more computer work, they’re starting to feel a bit tired and sore. And when they’re tired and sore, it’s a pretty good reflection of how my heart and soul are feeling…. 'cause lately, times have been a bit tough.

My work is something I love love love, but I suppose.. like any profession (and any path you take in life) you can be surrounded by those who you don’t love love love. And indeed, those people are the ones who could perhaps do with some lovin’ cause they certainly don’t seem to share much around! ;)

So I’ve been scouring the net for some new tunes to chill me out and I came across the most gorgeous BON IVER. Seriously, how wonderful is this song (The Wolves, Act I & II)? And best yet, it makes my heart not so sore… don’t you love music’s ability to do that?

I hope you are all doing well xx

ps - this also makes my heart ...hmm... perhaps not soar, but definitely SHINE! ;)

Online love

We are truly blessed with the internet.

Sure there are good things and bad things about living in a crazy technological age, but the best thing is that we get to make so many more friends. I have a loooong list of blogs that I check out each day - some I lurk on, some I am active on - and the good thing about having wonderful,creative and inspiring friends? I can copy them.

Isn't trying to emulate the good habits of others a darn good compliment? As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.. or some such. So here we go. I'm still feeling a bit blue, so I'm going to try emulate these shiny peeps...

Cook like Dreena - yum yum yum, I really can't wait to whip up this Sweet Curry Chickpea bake. Dreena - no kidding - makes cooking fun! I tell you, cheesey as that sounds, I always want to run into the kitchen after I read one of her posts and eat vegies.


Live like YogaMum - she is the fab creator of WoYoPracMo and is never fails to inspire me. There's always a poem, a recipe or something or other going on over there. I have enough trouble taking care of myself, let alone others. YogaMum seems to do it in a beautiful way.

Create like Keri Smith - honestly, I often wonder where peope find the TIME to do things. I am so busy and hectic doing things that I can't possibly pull out 5 mins to write or draw and create... and between you and me, I think that is where my spirit is crashing. What is life if without colour and texture and sparkles? Omg you have to go over and check out Wish Jar as it's overflowing with ideas... I'm getting started on them NOW.

There are so many more that I need to take inspiration from but for today, this will do. I need to get hot with the hobbies, see my friends, do my yoga and nourish my spirit.

I'll give you an update in 7 days on my progress. x

Grey skies

A few years back I really hit the depths of depression.

I remember sitting on the floor in my house, near the lounge, and just crying. I had been given some time off work and I just couldn't DO anything. Well, except sleep, and cry, and sleep some more. So my bella sister came up with a simple solution – sleep as much as I want to, don't eat, cry, sleep some more or whatever, just as long as once a day, every single day, I left the house.

Now if you've never had depression, you're probably thinking this is normal.. easy.. what, of COURSE you'd leave the house every day.. but when the black dog is perched at the end of your bed, it takes enormous amounts of strength to even get dressed for the day. And that doesn't include having a shower. Trust me.

But I kept that promise to her, and even if I just went to the corner store to get a juice, I left the house once a day.

It was during this time that $5 lunchtime yoga classes started near my house, so I became a regular. Monday to Friday, I'd try to go for the 50 minute class, and then would come back home and sleep, not eat, cry and sleep some more guilt free. And would you believe, this yoga thing really started to have some amazing effects on my body.

So now when I am once again feeling choked and heavy and sad and like I can't breathe, I am going to keep a simple promise to myself… that I will go for a walk or do some teeny tiny form of exercise every day. Even if it's just a walk around the block. I will do it, once a day, every single day.

Repeat to self:

Yoga is GOOD!

It never fails to keep blowing me away... just how much I love yoga. And it never fails to keep blowing me away... just how often I forget this. D'oh!

I have done yoga once in the last week due to a crazy work schedule but tonight I hit the mat again and am so so happy right now. I've had a very stressful day and in fact last few days, and I actually felt my old friend the black dog by my side. It's been a while since I've had that companion. But right now, this minute, I'm smiling.

...and that is a nice feeling.

Repeat to Self...

I am worth loving. I do not have to earn love. I am lovable because I exist.
Others reflect the love I have for myself.

I AM WORTH LOVING!!!

Blame, Responsibility and Growing Up

People can tell you things over and over, but when you're ready, that's when you'll really 'hear'. With the new year I've been thinking a lot and doing a lot of introspection, and have battled with some of my habits and thoughts. Yes, I have depression - but what can I do about it? I've got to stop using it (and other things!) as an excuse, and start where I am, and move forwards.

Just tonight I was reading this fab blog, The Art of Manifesting, and I was ready to 'hear' one post in particular. I just had to share it - enjoy.

Blame vs. Responsibility
We need to take responsibility for all in our life. It is not blame. Blame involves shame and negativity and responsibility indicates spiritual maturity. With responsibility, you can look at your situation and say, “Hmmm…I created this situation. What am I suppose to learn from it? What is the belief behind it? What is the fear? How can I feel love here?” With blame all we feel is judgment and shame. With judgment we further block the flow of energy.

xx shiny

The sun'll come out.... tomorrow!

It’s not about how many times you fall down – but how many times you getback up.

I am really really struggling at the moment!

Unfortunately I’ve injured my knee quite badly - through my own clumsiness- which has pulled me off the mat (and I’m craving a practice so so much!) so I’m laid up in bed, and just thinking about how run down I am.

So of course I’m perpetuating my own misery here – you know, I haven’t had a holiday in 2 years (just 7 more working days.. not long!), I’m feeling the beginnings of a cold or something coming on, and man.. I am just tired. End of year blues I suppose!

So what to do? CHILL.

I need to chill, world! So here’s a list… because I’m good at lists.

What makes me smile? I like tea, in particular the yummy new tea I bought from T2 (which makesfab iced tea as well). Yoga, without injury. Reading. Showers with candles in the bathroom. Candles in general. Lying on my bolster and breathing deeply. Reading inspiring websites. Puppies.

Repeat to self. And again.

Sigh.

Operation 'Get It Together'

What I have been thinking lately:

I am really run down at the moment, really really run down. Not surprising though - I haven't had a holiday in a long time! I was teaching yoga full time for a year, then started work at a PR company for 5 months without a holiday, then worked at Field Day and Big Day Out for a month without a break, then worked at Chauvel for 9 months without a break, and now am at Red and have had no break at all during this time! My first 3 weeks at Red saw me sleeping every spare second I could as I had the head cold from hell - seriously - and now I've got work gigs and such (which I love)... and I still need that holiday!

So yep, time to Get It Together!! Obviously because I'm so tired I've just let everything go - eating, exercising, me time... I need to start going to the gym. I need to do a lot more yoga. I need to eat healthy food. I need to rest up.

working working working... but at least a lot of it is fun! I worked at Legs 11 on Friday evening at the box office, see all those tickets to give out? L - the view inside the office. R - the view outside the office! We were in the Domain so you can see the lights right in front of where we were, from the Art Gallery.

Mentally, I'm in an ok kind of place - the neurofeedback has really picked me up and I've noticed my moods improving greatly. Check out this wonderful and inspiring gal's journey out of depression, thanks to exercise. Food for thought.... so much so that I'm keen to participate in my own 12 week challenge!

Starting tomorrow I'm getting right into the Operation. This week I am committing to:

Monday - day after the ARIA's, rest/recovery day! (although I did manage to have a salad sandwich for lunch!)

Tuesday - gym before work, just half an hour. I really noticed after my cold that it has taken me a long time to get back into shape. Heck, not even getting into shape - but just doing anything! I have been completely out of breath and wiped out, so just doing half an hour of treadmill/bike. Night - a work dinner.

Wednesday - gym before work, teaching 1 yoga class.

Thursday - gym before work, work party at night

Friday - gym before work, gig at night

Saturday - Body Vive class at gym, travelling down the coast

Sunday - yay for parties!

Monday - teaching 2 yoga classes after work, will do half hour treadmill/bike in between them

driving back to sydney after spending time with my bella sis down the coast. definitely going to stock up on the 'me' time!

What I have been listening to lately:
I recently discovered Bat for Lashes and *woohoo* I love them. Also - Tunng, need to discover more of their music. An album coming out next year is by The Fashion, and I can't wait for that. Really really digging the album.






music music music... I've been listening - and attending. me and bron at the ARIA's last night







What I have been reading lately:
Frankie magazine, I love it - right from the first issue a couple of years ago, till this very day. One thing I discovered from the new issue is Mixtape Zine - and lots of other blogs too. Thanks PM, I'm in heaven!!


PS - oh daylight savings, how i LOVE you!
PPS - did you know that toothpaste on pimples really works to dry them out?!!
PPPS - why am I still getting pimples at my age?!!

Food & stretchin'

I woke up on the 1st August and realised I had all of these new years resolutions but ahem, hadn't really achieved any of them halfway through the year. So I immediately set upon a detox - body, mind and soul.


I started it off with a complete 2 day juice, vegie and fruit detox, with a bit of fish baked for dinner. Felt AMAZING. For once it was actually pretty easy - and when I started introducing a bit more stuff (all wheat free) it was simple. I felt great, was full all the time and was being really healthy. I suppose the best sign of it all working was when I ate some icecream about 2 weeks into it and YIKES!! Let's put it this way, I had an excruciating headache within half an hour and um, ran to the loo!! Nuts.


So I'm still on a pretty heathy eating plan, and have also been doing heaps of yoga. I went until this past weekend completely alcohol free (woohoo) and noticed improvements on that front too.


While I was in the yoga loving mood, I signed up for the Yoga Aid Challenge - to do 108 sun salutes in the one session (with 300 other yogis!) during October. A normal yoga class has about 5 sun salutes, so this will be interesting!

It's the perfect setting - in the Botanical Gardens overlooking the Opera House, and I am hoping to raise $250 by donations (so far I've got $112) to go to Barnardo's Childrens Charity. Want to donate some money towards the good cause? Then pls click here. Thank you : )


Hope you're all going well and this lovely sunny day has put a spring in your step!
x

to date or not to (speed) date

So my pals have been talking about speed dating lately, and you know, I think I might just be up for it. I think the problem with dating is that you get stuck in a whole date thing when really, you can tell whether you at least like a person a bit in the first few minutes of meeting them.

Stay tuned on that front - and hey, anyone have any stories?

Pedometre - OMG I can't believe how INactive I really am. I always thought I've been pretty active and yep, I do yoga, but I need to increase the incidental walking! Yep, definitely do.

Food & Alcohol - I've been going really well this past week (partly due to budget, mostly due to realising I need to be much healthier to improve the D). Lots of fruit, lighter feeling in the belly, more energy, no alcohol. This fresh food thing really is good - have you even noticed that Weight Watchers have now got Core Plan too?? (so no counting, but just fresh, whole unprocessed foods)

Courses - I enrolled to do a Body Cleansing Through Food workshop at the Buddha Bar up the road, and was so excited! However, it got cancelled due to weather - but my name is still on the list and they'll let me know when it is rescheduled for. I have realised that I need to have more things to look forward to - sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the day to day, so I'm looking forward to this. And speaking of the Buddha Bar, I got a massage there the other week with the wonderful Elaine, and I'm having another one next pay. Sure, it's a great treat to have a massage, but the benefits of touch and moving toxins through the body are amazing too, so I'm going to work on this.

Accupuncture - I am giving it a go next weekend. I am using it mainly for D but also for a few other reasons. I know that many times, a massage, a yoga class, a hair cut and an accupuncture session depends on the practitioner, so I am going to be patient, but I'm very excited.

Have any of you tried it? I am really looking forward to hearing from others!

Have a good week friends : )
x