1 year.

It is absolutley how amazing to see how things can so drastically change in a year.

1 year ago I was depressed, majorly depressed, hating my job, hating my life, on anti-depressants for the 12th year straight, stupidly obsessed with unavailable guys, overweight, bloated, unhappy.

My head was just noisy all the time - worrrying, thinking, debating, hating, crying, putting me down. I had no hope for the future - after all, the bookshelf full of self-help books hadn't really acheived much so far.

Don't get me wrong - there were glimmers of hope here and there but each time things would fail again, as they inevitably did, it was getting harder and harder to get back up.

Fast Forward a year. Yesterday I spent the day with friends. It was filled with cake, breakky, coffee, love, songs, sunshine, drives, pizza, yoga, cards, happiness.

I have a whole new bunch of friends. I am off anti-depressants. I have clear skin. I have a smile (more often than before!) on my face. I have lost weight. My mind is a lot quieter than it has ever been. I don't want to top myself. I have hope. I enjoy my job. I have prospects. Overall, I'd even say "I'm happy". All of this because a year ago I stopped drinking and started working hard at life.

IT's been the hardest year of my life. Without a doubt. I'm facing up to things I've found to painful to deal with in the past. It's tiring and trying and I've cried lots but I also have been more honest - to others and to myself - than ever before. I have had (and am having) intensive therapy and I'm only just starting to get into some very deep and uncomfortable parts of my life and my being, to uncover and grow and move forward. And it's the most crazy, exhilerating, hard, joyful, simple time of my life.

What a ride! x

Becoming a "grown up"

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”~ Anais Nin

To blossom - each person's definition of blossoming would be slightly different but I suppose for most of us it'd be about becoming bright, unfurling to our full potential. Getting organised to finally get private health insurance might not exactly be what Anais Nin meant by blossoming, but for me, it's just another small step on my path to becoming a grown up.

For me, this past year has been all about these 'small' steps - which when you add them all up, become a wonderful strong journey. Small steps like getting health insurance, paying off a credit card, holding yoga workshops, furthering my study, getting a pay rise at work... which all add up to getting it together, aka Growing Up. For me, these things are all about me blossoming - opening up.

We often think that to be a success we need to achieve and get this and that and do amazing astounding things.. and in doing so we can forget about the day to day things that actually are pretty darn shiny.

Take a moment to think about your year so far and be excited peeps - be excited about the seemingly ordinary, the seemingly 'everyday' - which when you add them up, become the most important life of all: YOUR life : )

Enjoy x

Gratitudes : )

1. *****
2. Angela
3. Lovely family
4. Beautiful home
5. Job I love and am good at
6. My car
7. My heater, on frosty mornings
8. Laptops to while away the hours
9. My health, includin no colds so far this winter : )
10. Friends

Money can be Seksi

Yes, money is HOT when you've got it, or when you have enough of it to go around. When you don't have enough of it, money is definitely, oh so most definitely NOT seksi.

Let me say that both times I've been made redundant from jobs in the past, things have turned out so much better than expected. The universe works in wonderful ways.

But still, it hits you hard when life throws you a curve ball.

Me, I have a job I really really enjoy, and a job that I am good at. Actually, a job I'm great at. I'm great at my job and I love my job. But it's a shaky economic time and who knows how long I'll have a job for. My friend at work got made redundant today and it's horrible. But what's more horrible is that I am not in a financially fit position so should something (like a redundancy) come up, the not so fab experience would be made even worse.

Life happens, and let's face it - crap happens, things fall apart. But imagine being in a position to bounce back with the least amount of drama and negativity possible.

I have received a bit of $$ lately (rental bond money, tax return, Rudd dollars) and it's been so damn hard and painful but I've put it directly onto my debts. Gosh - imagine not having debt!! So it's been a good wakeup call for me to start getting real with my money.

Because seriously, I've been banging on about how I'm in debt for a good few years now and I've not really committed to getting OUT of it. I've still eaten out A LOT. I've still bought new clothes. And while I have not bought any big ticket items, I've wasted the same amount of money by purchasing magazines, and books, and way too many little instant gratification items.

It's like an addiction! And I know all about that.. since stopping drinking I've just been eating up a storm like there's no tomorrow. Tired? No worries, I get takeaway. Can't decided what to have? No worries, I'll buy up a fridge full of food so I can change my mind.. and then let it all go off and get takeaway again. So there's alcohol, there's food, and there's money (or rather, buying).

So it's time to commit properly right now. Here we go.

Dave Ramsey, I heart you!

Hoorah for mini breaks!

Well I must say I did get pretty excited to have a big fat yoga payment come through into my bank account, but how quickly reality sets in! Ok, so I did get the flyscreens from Hire-A-Hubby (boy, who would have thought those things are so expensive?!) and I'm really glad they're being installed on Wednesday because I'm sitting here itching and scratching from all the bug bits I've got!).

And I got a bunch of photo frames, which I spent a couple of hours last night block mounting and then hanging up on the wall. They're actually not that expensive at all (god bless Ikea) but what is expensive is my yoga teacher insurance. So there goes the rest of my $$$. Ahhh it was fun being rich for a day!

Ok, I should tell you as well that today I'm getting a massage, hoorah! I love to get massages - and they're not always a luxury. Take today for example - well rather, last night. I didn't sleep well at all as everytime I turned I woke up with a sore neck & shoulder. Perhaps it's sitting at a desk all day looooong hunched over a computer in a stressful job. Perhaps it's then going to twist and bend for many hours each week in yoga. Me, I think the yoga cancels out the tight hunching... but regardless, I often get a horrible tight neck and shoulders.

I have actually twice been in the situation where I physically could not turn my neck at all it was just locked so tight! Ouch!

Maybe it's just my 'thing' - but so be it. And off to the masseur I go. Not a bad deal... although i have been known to cry on the massage table because I have such big knots it HURTS when she gets them out. ;( Anyway, so today it's off to get a massage and if you're in Sydney and need a good one - head to the Buddah Bar in Newtown (Amal and Elaine are the best).

I've spent the last couple of days resting and being 'housey' - dropping off a meal (complete with dessert) for my gorgeous friend who has a new baby, cooking myself some meals, unpacking those final few boxes from the move... and tomorrow mum + sis + niece are coming up to see my new home. I've watched the "Twilight" movie 3 times (I definitely need to go to the dvd store, but hey, R Patz is YUM so it's not all bad), and I've got a day ahead of not much - it sounds perfect.

Oh, and I've also caught up with some different friends for coffee and breakky. It's been a wonderful mini-break and I can't wait to enjoy the final 2 days.

Much love,
me x

ps - why is it I struggle getting up during the work week but come holidays, I'm up bright & cheery before 8 every day?!

Mmmm Hot Cross Buns

I love Easter time, for lots of reasons. A predominant one is because it's the season for hot cross buns, yum!! And another, because it means holidays! Here I am, day 1 of a 5 day break, and I set my alarm for 9am - instead, I'm up bright and early and WIDE AWAKE at 8am.

I have trouble getting out of bed at 8:30 on a normal 'school day' - so why is it that I'm up so early today? Go figure, I must be excited or something haha! Or maybe it's the fact I know I'll be having afternoon naps every day till next tuesday, woohoo! Whatever the reason, I'm running with it : )

I'm glad I did get up though, because I checked my bank balance and my yoga pay has come through - and hoorah, I have a little more cash than I thought I would be getting, which means a couple of things:
a) I can get a massage and get out the soreness in my neck at long last!
b) I can afford to fully purchase the new jeans (see earlier post) that I need to get for winter
c) I can get the handyman in no problemo!
d) I can get the photo frames happening and sorted this very weekend
e) and I can enjoy the long weekend with a few coffees out, hoorah!

Great start to the day : )

So now I'm off to enjoy it all - and get started on the BB Awakening too. Big weekend!
Oh, and btw - have you seen this FABULOUS site? I Found Yr Camera. I love it!

Happy Easter dear friends xx

If today could speak to you...

what would it say?

Shutter Sisters posed this question today. To me, I think it would say LET GO.

New Home, New Season

I love that just as Autumn has settled firmly into the atmosphere, so it is that I have settled firmly into my lovely new home.

I love autumn - it's a close 2nd to Spring. The temperature is dropping, there aren't so many bugs around, hayfever is non-existant... it's a wonderful transition time - and change is my middle name right now.

I spend the whole of Saturday moving - I got the keys to my new house that morning, and moved in immediately. It was a good move - all things considered - I was really organised, everything was in boxes, the removalists were fabulous. Then they left and I was surrounded by a mountain of boxes, so what did I do? I did what any new home-occupier in their right mind should do... I went shopping. ha!

I had a ball, I purchased some practical goodies - food and flowers : ) Then it was time for the real work to kick in, and I must say I was surprised at how far I've come in just a couple of days. I have worked my butt off and I'm very smiley at how things are coming along. I even made it to a yoga class yesterday afternoon (after much debating) to stretch out this sore and tired body of mine - and how grateful that I didn't listen to my head and stay home. Sometimes I really just need to get out of my own way! I also have today off work (phew) to settle some more.

The only thing not so fabulous in this whole move is the $$$ going out. Double rent, connection fees, removalists, ugh! But it's probably a good thing in that it will make me tighten my belts - let's see how little it is possible to live on this month!

Till next time with photos,
shiny xx

Loving...

The Avett Brothers : )

Hope

hope⋅less  /ˈhoʊplɪs/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [hohp-lis] –adjective
1.providing no hope; beyond optimism or hope; desperate: a hopeless case of cancer.
2.without hope; despairing: hopeless grief.
3.impossible to accomplish, solve, resolve, etc.: Balancing my budget is hopeless.
4.not able to learn or act, perform, or work as desired; inadequate for the purpose: As a bridge player, you're hopeless.

While I was in the depths of depression, perhaps the scariest part of it was that I had no hope. Joy, happiness, love... all these emotions are vital and important but at least if you don't have them, and still have hope, you can get through the day. In my depression, I had no hope that I would ever have these things again - indeed, I had no inkling at all that things would change. It was a hard, heavy, very upsetting path to be on.

Hence I am so so so so over the moon and happy to say that things now are looking up. They're far from ideal but the turning point for me was that I now have HOPE again - Just an inkling of possibility that things might be different.

I had a mini melt-down this morning, just thinking about packing and moving and holding down a full time job and a part time yoga job all at the same time, all while having a cold.. but then spoke to a wise woman who said "just do it". Ha! That is so true! There is really no option but to just put my head down, and power through this upcoming week.

So here's to HOPE, to packing, to tissues and to YOU. Just do it!
x

photo credit: super hero journal

Hello, you GORGEOUS people!

Just curious, friends, when was the last time you looked into a mirror and addressed yourself as "Gorgeous," "Magnificent," or "Sublime"?
Friends, it matters.

Isn't that a beautiful sentiment? Dear friends, remind yourself daily of these ideas by signing up to Notes from the Universe. They'll make you smile!

Smoking Chair

I'm at home sick again today. Still got the fever thing, the belly thing, the dizzy thing. Dr said it's a bacterial thing. All these things... but I'm getting lots of sleep, which is good. I really can't even bring myself to watch tv - despite getting out the entire season 2 of Six Feet Under.

I've not really eaten much today either, just some toast for breakky. So I'm a bit peckish - but the thought of cooking, and actually - the thought of eating, doesn't really sit too well with me. I was in shock when I dropped by my bday gathering last night (delivered my cupcakes!) and couldn't even be tempted to nibble on all the party food. That is how I know I'm really sick - me, knocking back sugar?? LOL.

Spending some time now reading some personal finance blogs to help me stay on the track to get out of debt. Feeling good that I've consolidated the debt and now it's just the one easy payment to knock off each month. That feels SO GOOD - seriously, I started getting anxiety attacks thinking of all the debt I was in. So future - here I come! I actually am excited about pay day now, seeing those debt figures come down (see the funky debt counters I've added to the blog too?).

One way I could surely save some dosh is to stop eating out, but I guess it's one battle at a time. At least I'm eating dinner most nights now - which was a very different story 6 months ago. So baby steps. And speaking of 6 months, come this Friday it'll be 6 months I've not drunk, god willing. I'm so happy and more than that, I'm nowhere near as depressed as I've been prior to now. So no drinking, I'll stay with it.

I was feeling a bit of a pity party attack this afternoon, I mean seriously - it's day 4 today that I'm home sick and I just want someone to come and take care of me ; ) But I'm now sitting by the back door in our elegantly titled 'smoking chair', and feeling that breeze come through and watching the sun over the back yard, well, the pity party is moving on. If I have to be sick, I suppose it couldn't be in nicer surroundings : )

Today I'm grateful for:
* I have a job
* I have a beautiful home
* my family
* books books books
* study retreats coming up
* the net!

Baking.. Throwing.. Baking

So tonight I'm off to a first birthday celebration and I'm on babycakes cupcake duty. I bought 3 packets (not quite up to the making from scratch stage yet) and got up bright and early to start baking. So homely! But alas, one batch done and only when I got to baking the 2nd batch did I realise I forgot to add the oil - hence my babycakes were more like baby ROCKS.
Throw!

Batch 2 is in the oven now, let's see how they go (fingers crossed!)

I've been a bit sick lately with a funky virus going round - it comes in waves, I feel good and then like death warmed up. Part of the reason I was also up so early this morning was because I wanted to go to Body Mind Life for a Power Yoga class - but it's just not going to happen, I feel my belly is going to explode. Blah. Not pretty, this funky sickness.

Felt pretty average yesterday too (came home sick from work on friday, when it all started) but did manage to pick up my special order from Phoenix Rising Books - my Voice of Knowledge audio cd's. Don Miguel Ruiz is someone you have to check out if you're not across him. We heard some of this CD in my recent yoga training and it was phenomenal - I just had to track it down! Whilst in the store, I also came across a fab collection of Pema Chodron cd's (a 3 set!) for meditation. Lucky I hadn't transferred $$ into my debit card account or I would have also purchased What About Me, the dvd. All good purchases - not so good for the debt payoff plan though.

However, I've commenced my mentoring course in yoga and need to up my personal practice, and timewise, meditation looks like the only practice I can fully commit to daily. So the cd's are great : )

Now.. off to ice some cupcakes. Much love x

I forgot my computer password

...and it feels GOOD!

I've been away on a yoga teacher training retreat with Baron Baptiste for the last week and I feel so wonderful, strong and powerful! I did a Jivamukti class this morning and did a jumpback from Bakasana to Chatarunga (one of my first!) and also side bakasana with extended legs - first time! Not only did I do them but I felt stable and strong, it was amazing!!!

The training meant a week without a computer, email, tv, mobile phone or newspapers (or coffee!)... and it was bliss. So when I jumped onto my computer just a moment ago to prepare some notes for the partner yoga workshop I'm teaching tomorrow, I had to think for a few moments to remember my password. Not that is a true sign of getting away from it all!

It was a little scary coming home and putting the tv on for the first time - one, because of the noise (what an assault!) but two, because of the devastation of the Victorian bushfires. Hundreds of people have lost their lives, and thousands of people have been affected. On the day prior to Love Day, pls be generous and give in any way you can - it doesn't just have to be $$. Some wonderful ideas are here.

Namaste x

Run Shiny, Run!

I've been in touch with my running coach and am looking forward to start running again in the new year. Greta is so lovely - that even a complete non-runner such as myself feels more than comfortable signing up for sessions with her!

In 2009 I'm looking for a race to sign up for (5k) and I am looking forward to making my appearance at the City to Surf - my first appearance. I mean, as a Sydney-sider, I have to do this, right? (About time, I hear you!)

So the beloved Couch to 5k training program has been pulled out (another link here), and so have the joggers. It has been a pretty intense last couple of months for me... hmmm, yes I'd even say life changing. Health concerns and mental issues are all under control (well at least I can see where I'm heading now) which is really nice. Yes - really nice! Anyone who has read of my battles with depression and such knows that 'nice' is indeed pretty damn fine!

I've been off the alcohol for a couple of months which I'm sure is the biggest factor in all of this, but it's all the 'one percenters as well' - I've had so much acupuncture in the last few months. I've had a stack of neurofeedback. I've had massages and reiki.

And I'm feeling that there is hope. Yeh!

So c25k training starts this week and I'm looking forward to it : )
Anyone else had any joy with that particular program?

x shiny

Gratitude

[I bought myself a little chrissy present this year - the gorgeous pendant above]

+ I have a wonderful home with a great backyard
+ Early morning watering of the garden in the sunshine
+ Wonderful new friends who are just a phone call away
+ Making headway on my $$ in 2008 so christmas wasn't too much of a stress this year!
+ Quiet days in the office (which make cleaning easy!)
+ Sunshine
+ Abby
+ Books, books, books and more books!
+ Baking pink cupcakes

Gratitude

+ photo envy

+ great sparkly lights and the idea of christmas (above photo credit: dooce)

+ cute tea tins

+ yoga studios being open over the christmas holiday period
+ holidays only a hop, skip and jump away

+ the idea of baking

+ friends who really know me, and like me just as I am

- my head

- my analytical, constantly analysing head

- my tired and sleepy head that has to be in meetings at work today

- having a crappy little oven that doesn't fit a normal size baking tray