a pretty in the city gal on her way to debt freedom & healthy living a day at a time, who fills her time with yoga, music, books, baking and much much more. won't you join her?

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Getting it off my chest

I had a cry this morning.

You see, I’ve always been a girly girl and wanted babies. To dress them, to play, to help this little person grow, and also the associated things that go with it.. a partner, love, and a groovy little home to house my groovy little family.

But this last year, I’ve completely decided against having kids. I mean, I’m nearly 30, and the last time I ended up in hospital with an overdose was less than 4 months ago. I’ve had depression for more than a decade, and it’s not getting better. Sure, I can handle it a bit more on good days, but geez, it’s not something that I can see leaving in the foreseeable future, and how on earth am I meant to be able to look after a baby when I can’t even look after myself?

There’s also the crazy hormone factor that goes with being pregnant – I just don’t think, realistically, it’s something that I can see myself coping with.

Then there’s also the fact that I am the eternal single girl. I can count the boyfriends I’ve had in my life on one hand. And even they have an average lifespan of less than a year. This isn’t through lack of want, but hmmm, go figure, cause I just don’t know. It’s gotten so dire that I am seriously considering speed dating. *sigh*

So anyway, I was reading the new Frankie today, and there was a story on fatherhood, and I knew 3 out of the 4 dads in the story. And the dads might have been separated or not, but they were all kinda groovy dads. Young, groovy, music loving, devoted dads. It killed me.

They were the kind of dads that I’d love to have be a dad to my little one. They’re the dads that I have always pictured living with me in the groovy little house. And you know, I just don’t think it’s going to happen. The kids. Or the partner.

It’s a pretty sad thought and no matter how often I tell myself that you don’t know what’s around the corner and that some times I absolutely love being single (I’ve always been pretty independant), I can’t lie forever and say that it doesn’t hurt so much that no one wants to be with me. It sux, plain and simple.

And in an hour I might feel a lot better and be happy again and wonder who wrote this gloomy post, but it’s just something I wanted to get off my chest. So maybe if one day I do become the groovy happy mum in the cool little house, I can look back and see that life didn’t always suck.



At 4:56 PM, Blogger yinyogi said...

Oh Shiny :( we all go through these thoughts, you are not alone.

But at the end of the day 30 isn't old, we are just on the cusp of getting of stuff together.

And the soulmate/groovy house/ kids etc will come when we've gotten our stuff together, if its meant to happen.

And hey speed dating isn't that bad! Its fun, every one does it, do it, if nothing else it will make a funny blog post!!

Big hugs from a fellow freaking out 29 year old.


At 9:12 AM, Blogger El Goober said...

Heya Shinykins,

To totally misquote you...

"but as you said yrself.. good things DO come to those who wait.. and well, not like you need to wait or anything, but you know... it's good to have you round :)"

And lets get this straight, you're one of the good ones! You're the white creamy bit in the oreo cookie, the chicken salt on the hot chips, the chocolate sprinkles on the latte! put the spring in Springfield...


At 6:16 PM, Blogger Picasso's Muse said...

Oh chick, there's so much I want to say to you right now but am going to distill these thoughts down to the key ones:

1. What an incredibly honest and heart felt post! You are so courageous Shiny and I love that about you:)

2. Do you know how many people DON'T live the dream when it comes to the conventional husband/babies thing? Some people find Mr Right but can't have kids, heaps of women have kids with someone who turns out not to be Mr Right after all, and then there's the rascals who pretend to be Mr Perfect Husband/Dad but are actually adulterous scoundrels (I've inadvertently come across a few in my time - assholes!). If you are lucky enough to have the total groovy package you are hoping for, then you will be truly blessed (and you would deserve it too btw!)

3. What do you mean no-one wants to be with you??? There are men out there, we all know that! And heaps of them are L-O-S-E-R-S...we all know that!! It's not about if people want to be with you, it's about whether you want them and if they deserve to be in your life.

4. Life does not end at 30 and you will not necessarily get your shit together then either....sigh...

5. Speed dating could be fun but the one that I keep hearing of that gets results is internet dating. I know of quite a few people that have found love online. Could you be next? (insert dramatic music here...)

that's all.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger yublocka said...

Oh darling never say never. You know you can never predict what life is going to throw you, and whilst that can suck it also makes it exciting.

I know its hard to realise it when you're feeling down, but you know what, you may not have everything but you have a damn lot. You have a beautiful, strong body, you have your strong personality and independence. There would be many people that envy you that, so don't forget that the grass is always greener!! Having said that I reckon its always gonna be human nature to be curious/envious about what you don't have, so don't feel bad about that either!!!


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