a pretty in the city gal on her way to debt freedom & healthy living a day at a time, who fills her time with yoga, music, books, baking and much much more. won't you join her?

Saturday, June 07, 2008

... maybe, whatever

Maybe it was the way that he looked at that other gal in the restaurant tonight. The blonde, skinny chick with the tight outfit.

Maybe it was the fact I just didn't want to go out with them cause I feel like I am too self conscious.

Maybe it is coming home and watching a gig on tv, of a band i used to work on when they were young, it was their first release, and now they're big and maybe it's all the bands I work on and now I wonder if even a handful of them will remember me. cause i certainly don't get the looks or the conversation i used to.

Maybe, and I think most likely, it's just because I am not happy with myself right now. And I haven't been for a while.

This isn't depression. This is looking back, when you've hit a significant age, and you wonder if it is where you thought you'd be. And even if not where you thought you'd be.. it's AM I HAPPY WHERE I AM NOW?

(this is a stream of consciousness happening here too!)

The answer... no.

Kachtus talks about a part of it. Me being a flubber is another part of it. And I suppose the thing is that it's not something that isn't able to be fixed. But it's still a bit blah.

I saw little LaLa today and it's like Sar and I were talking about... you know, I in no way whatsoever want a babe of my own at the moment. I am clucky, I love babies and I love lala more than i thought i could ever love someone, but I just couldn't handle one of my own right here, right now. But I'm not young. And I am perennially single. The prognosis doesn't look great.

But whatever, it's odd. I'm in an odd mood tonight. Cause I know that maybe one day things will become shiny. I doubt it, but I am in no doubt that it's possible. If that makes sense. *sigh*

Anyway, too much to digest. I am gonna go to bed with a book. It's about as much action as this chick is getting at the mo.

signing off x



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