... maybe, whatever

Maybe it was the way that he looked at that other gal in the restaurant tonight. The blonde, skinny chick with the tight outfit.

Maybe it was the fact I just didn't want to go out with them cause I feel like I am too self conscious.

Maybe it is coming home and watching a gig on tv, of a band i used to work on when they were young, it was their first release, and now they're big and maybe it's all the bands I work on and now I wonder if even a handful of them will remember me. cause i certainly don't get the looks or the conversation i used to.

Maybe, and I think most likely, it's just because I am not happy with myself right now. And I haven't been for a while.

This isn't depression. This is looking back, when you've hit a significant age, and you wonder if it is where you thought you'd be. And even if not where you thought you'd be.. it's AM I HAPPY WHERE I AM NOW?

(this is a stream of consciousness happening here too!)

The answer... no.

Kachtus talks about a part of it. Me being a flubber is another part of it. And I suppose the thing is that it's not something that isn't able to be fixed. But it's still a bit blah.

I saw little LaLa today and it's like Sar and I were talking about... you know, I in no way whatsoever want a babe of my own at the moment. I am clucky, I love babies and I love lala more than i thought i could ever love someone, but I just couldn't handle one of my own right here, right now. But I'm not young. And I am perennially single. The prognosis doesn't look great.

But whatever, it's odd. I'm in an odd mood tonight. Cause I know that maybe one day things will become shiny. I doubt it, but I am in no doubt that it's possible. If that makes sense. *sigh*

Anyway, too much to digest. I am gonna go to bed with a book. It's about as much action as this chick is getting at the mo.

signing off x